Welcome to 3-2-1 Tuesdays with Better Wellness Naturally- The Cost of People-Pleasing
- Admin
- Jun 9
- 5 min read
Thank you for joining us for 3-2-1 Tuesdays!
Quick bits of therapeutic info and learning, ideas, concepts, and quotes.
Brought to you by Better Wellness Naturally
3: Keys
2: Concepts
1: Quick Article
"When you say 'yes' to others, make sure you are not saying 'no' to yourself."
— Paulo Coelhous
3 Keys
People-pleasing is rooted in survival: Let’s be real—most people-pleasers didn’t wake up one day and decide to put everyone else first. It usually comes from a deep-rooted need to feel safe, accepted, or avoid conflict. Maybe you were taught that love had to be earned by being helpful, agreeable, or “easy.” The truth? That was a survival strategy. It made sense at the time. But now, it may be keeping you stuck in relationships or patterns that drain you. Recognizing where it came from is the first step toward choosing something different.
Saying yes to others often means saying no to yourself: When you’re always available for everyone else, when do you get to breathe? People-pleasers tend to sacrifice their own time, energy, and needs to avoid letting others down. But every “yes” you offer out of guilt or fear can quietly chip away at your own peace and clarity. Boundaries aren’t about being rude—they’re about making space for what matters to you. Learning to pause and ask, “Is this right for me?” before agreeing can be life-changing.
Authenticity > Approval: Let’s flip the script: What if being true to yourself mattered more than being liked by everyone? Approval is temporary—and often conditional. Authenticity, on the other hand, creates lasting connection with the right people (and peace within yourself). You don’t have to morph into what others want you to be to deserve love or acceptance. The real you is worthy—always. And when you show up honestly, you invite others to do the same.
A Couple of Concepts
"Fawn" Response (from trauma theory): Alongside fight, flight, and freeze, “fawn” is a lesser-known but powerful stress response. It happens when we instinctively appease others to stay safe—often by people-pleasing, avoiding conflict, or over-accommodating. For many, it begins in childhood or in emotionally unsafe environments. You learned to prioritize others’ needs so you wouldn’t be rejected, hurt, or abandoned. Understanding this response helps you release shame around your behavior and replace it with compassion. You're not broken—you were protecting yourself. Now, you get to learn new ways of showing up that are safe and true for you.
Boundaries as bridges, not walls: Setting boundaries isn’t about shutting people out—it’s about letting the right ones in and keeping your well-being intact. Think of boundaries as invitations to build healthier, more honest connections. When you say “no” with kindness, you’re saying “yes” to yourself. Studies in psychology show that people who maintain clear personal boundaries experience less stress and greater emotional well-being. It might feel uncomfortable at first—especially if you’re used to putting others first—but over time, boundaries become a form of self-respect that strengthens relationships, not weakens them.
A Quick Overview: Why People-Pleasing Feels So Hard to Let Go Of—Even When You Want To…
If you’ve ever tried to stop people-pleasing, you’ve probably felt it in your body before your brain caught up: the tight chest, the racing thoughts, the sudden urge to apologize for having a need or opinion. That’s not just discomfort—it’s your nervous system reacting to a perceived threat. People-pleasing is often deeply tied to your sense of safety. For many, it begins in environments where love, approval, or peace were conditional. Over time, the brain adapts. Through a process called neuroplasticity, we learn to associate self-abandonment with security, and speaking up with danger. So when you try to break the habit, it’s not just about changing behavior—it’s about rewiring beliefs and calming a hyper-alert nervous system.
Research in interpersonal neurobiology and attachment theory shows that early caregiving experiences shape how we respond in relationships as adults. If your needs were minimized, criticized, or ignored, you may have learned to “earn” connection by becoming overly accommodating. This isn't about blame—it's about understanding. Our brains are wired for connection, and when that connection feels at risk, our instinct is to protect it, even at the cost of ourselves. This is why people-pleasing can persist long after those early environments are gone—it becomes an emotional habit rooted in past survival, not present reality.
The good news? Your brain can learn something new. Healing from people-pleasing starts with awareness—but it grows through consistent, gentle practice. Each time you pause before saying yes, speak honestly instead of avoiding discomfort, or give yourself permission to rest, you're creating new pathways in your mind and body. It may feel scary at first, but over time, the more you honor yourself, the more your nervous system begins to recognize safety in authenticity—not just in approval. And that’s where real freedom begins.
References:
Appio, L. (2019). The Difficulty of Setting Boundaries in People-Pleasing Behavior. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/people-pleasing-and-boundaries
Brown, B. (2012). Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. Gotham Books.
Fenkel, T. (2023). Understanding Trauma and the Fawn Response. Journal of Trauma Studies, 22(3), 45–56.
Goleman, D. (2006). Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ. Bantam Books.
Porges, S. W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-Regulation. Norton & Company.
Schwartz, M. (2021). Fawn Response: The Hidden Stress Response You Didn’t Know You Had. Trauma and Healing Journal, 17(4), 78–84.
Siegel, D. J. (2012). The Developing Mind: How Relationships and the Brain Interact to Shape Who We Are. Guilford Press.
Walker, P. (2013). Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving. Azure Coyote Press.
The Empowered Transitions Storms of Change Retreat…
isn’t for everyone…
(But is it for You???)
You’ve done the work—therapy, retreats, journaling, processing.
And still, something inside hasn’t fully landed.
You’re in the in-between: grieving, rebuilding, redefining. You’ve outgrown surface-level healing and are ready for something that meets you where you actually are—not where someone thinks you should be.
This isn’t a feel-good escape. It’s a rare opportunity to integrate the hard-earned wisdom of your journey into something embodied, lasting, and real—surrounded by a cohesive group of amazing people who are also doing the work, who aren’t making excuses, and who deeply get it.
For more info and to Retreat with us: www.BetterWellnessRetreats.com
by Laura Weber Garrison, PhD
New Editorial Review!:
“Life-changing, grounded, and deeply healing…
I’ve followed Dr. Garrison’s work across her platforms—Better Wellness Naturally, Better Wellness Retreats, and her latest book, Damaged Rudders—and every offering feels like it was created with wisdom, care, and serious clinical skill. Her retreats are transformative in ways that linger long after returning home, and her writing somehow speaks both to the intellectual and the emotional self. If you’re seeking real healing, practical tools, and a genuinely powerful experience, look no further.”
Better Wellness Naturally is now on Substack!
We’re creating a dedicated space for deeper reflections, healing insights, and meaningful conversations. That means more resources, inspiration, and guidance—delivered straight to your inbox!
If you already enjoy 3-2-1 Tuesdays, you’ll love what’s coming.
Comments